I have observed many married couples over my years. The significant majority of these couples have had multiple marriages. A few of them are happy in their current relationship, but most of them are unhappy with their current relationship. Even those who are happy with their current situation are profoundly unhappy about their prior relationships. There are a few – very few – couples that have been married exclusively to each other. The vast majority of those couples are unhappy and many of them have been unhappy for years.
There are many possible explanations for the difficulty that we have with long-term happy marriages. Some would suggest that the moral fiber of our society is in decay. Others would suggest that marriages fail because of an absence of faith. Some might argue that life is just so much more complicated today. I think there is a more fundamental problem. We consistently marry the wrong people.
Some of us marry for sexual attraction. While that can be fun for the short term, it will not keep a marriage together for any period that can be measured in years. I have known people who married because a relationship was comfortable. However, long-term commitments are rarely, if ever, the result of comfort. When the comfort that one seeks from a marital relationship is financial in nature, the relationship is doomed to fail.
Instead of resigning ourselves to failed relationships, why not practice Rule 4? That rule tells us that we should marry someone who makes us laugh instead of someone who provides financial support. The secret to good relationshps that can stand the test of time and adversity is to marry a person that you can talk to . . . forever. I would submit that it will be very difficult to talk with another person for 10, 20, 30 years or more unless that person makes you laugh on a pretty regular basis.
Have you ever noticed how some older couples eating dinner in a restaurant look like there are having fun and laughing about things while others have a look or resigned misery? Have you also noticed how many more couples fall into the later rather than the former category? Those who cannot think of anything happy while they are together are almost certainly married for economic reasons. They may be financially secure but they are clearly unhappy. At least the few in the former category are happy. If they follow all of Rule 4, they will also be financially secure because Rule 4 teaches us that, in order to be reasonably independent, we should make our own money.
My in-laws are the perfect example of this rule in action. They have been married for more than 5o years and have despised each other for most of that time. They never really enjoyed each other's company and neither found the other amusing in the least. Indeed, they have missed so much laughter that at this point they are no longer capable of being funny or laughing at anything. While my father-in-law was still working, he ran his own business and mother-in-law kept the books. That division of work has some pluses to it and does not immediately violate the rule. For them, the problem really arose after father-in-law sold the business and retired. They continued to live as though they had a substantial income choosing not to plan for retirement. In short, they did not maintain their financial independence. Now they cannot afford to live apart because there is simply not enough money for that. Now they are forced to stay in a an unhappy and unhealthy relationship because of their financial needs.
If only my in-laws had each made their own money and married someone who made them laugh, they might still be happy now. Indeed, if they had stayed financially independent, they could have gone their separate ways and found someone who makes them happy. Conversely, if they had simply married the right person, the lack of financial resources at this point would not make any difference. In the case of Rule 4, those who follow either part f the rule will be better off than those who follow none of it.
Rule For Life Number Four
